at my 3rd rehab assessment I saw a 19 year old girl get carried out on a stretcher into an ambulance as I was waiting in the lobby… a ton of fear struck through me.. what happened to her?? she was checked into the in-patient facility and something STILL harmed her? what if that was me on there? will I get to that point? do I want to get to that point?
Afterwards I started filling out even more paper work.. anxiety crept in.. the more I read the more I panicked.. the more I hyperventilated.. my face turned numb & tingly.. I started sobing, and ran out.. why the fuck does this change scare me? WHY is this such a huge battle.. or war, is probably a better term.. I came back in and there were people there to support me, which felt good. but still.. I just keep hearing “ARE YOU READY?” screaming through my head, considering TWO different people asked me that in the SAME obnoxious voice yesterday AND today.. which has detoured me. and made me defensive. maybe I’m not fucking ready since THATS WHAT STRANGERS I DON’T EVEN KNOW KEEP ASKING ME. uggh anxiety attacks are so shitty. all I wanna do is a shit ton of drugs/drink and I NEED to run away from this feeling. I must not relapse. I called my mom & we’re going out to dinner.. maybe this will help.
(by the way no one really knows exactly whats going on, or the details of my life right now so please don’t go spreading this around if you personally know me… I’m just venting some deep shit right now.. if you have any questions I’ll gladly answer them myself when/if I’m ready.. thank you…)
